Since the 90s I have seen a shit ton of horrible merchandise that
was birthed from popular video games. From Street Fighter LCD wrist watch games to Street Fighter Action Figures that resembled rejected GI Joe figures, Capcom has licensed their top franchise to a lot of bullshit. However, this week has spawned the worst one of all. Street Fighter Jeans.
I am not sure who the “Naked & Famous” is. What I do know is that from what I have seen from their other “collections” is that these are essentially $300 WalMart Wranglers with really and I do mean REALLY subtle details of the brand they are highlighting. They look average at best. Even a $70 pair of Buffalo jeans look more high quality than these over priced pieces of shit. I mean the only jeans that might look worse are the Chuck Norris Action Jeans that were heavily advertised in Black Belt Magazine in the 70s & 80s. I am not fashionista BTW. I am just old enough to know that superficial-ism and “Name Brands” are bullshit. But Let me get into details here, which will get disgustingly hilarious.
I started off by hitting a link that Victor sent me which I am sure he did because he wanted to hear me rant about it. He does this A LOT. This sent me over to a YouTube video that I am not linking here. What I then saw was a video that was trying to make the subtle details of Street Fighter on these glorified Wranglers sound amazing and awesome. Which it failed to do IMO. What I instead saw was a nominal item being frivolously marketed as a premium Item that you should pay top dollar for. This is where my bullshit meter started going off. There are only two versions. One with Guile and the Other with Ryu. Either Capcom wouldn’t license any more or they knew that these weren’t going to sell due to the lack of detail for a licensed product. I also have to admit that the Chuck Norris Action Jeans were starting to look more and more appealing as I researched these Street Fighter Jeans. Let’s get into these useless features shall we?
Foil Embossed Tags
Note that this is the part of the jeans that often rips off when you put a belt through it or the decal fades after putting a belt over it several times. Who the fuck looks at this? Perverts? Or posh cunts that are nosy about what you wear? What’s the point of putting this detail there? It’s dumb! If you’re wearing a shirt that isn’t tucked in, no one will see it! Most people I see are not tucking in their shirts unless it’s summer. Any other season you’re wearing something over this part. I want to really know what the designer thought how this was practical. It’s like putting a design detail on the inside of your car’s gas-cap!! “Oh Fuck! The guy pumping my gas is gonna be soooOOOOOoooo impressed”. As far as I know, full serve is only available outside major cities, aka places where no one would wear these because those are likely practical folk. Another thing I don’t get is the pose Ryu is doing. I assume this is tongue in cheek in case you just had some lethal Chili or decided to go to an All-you-can-eat enchilada festival. Shit, maybe it’s for Taco Bell visits. Either way, to me this just looks like something that is trying to tell people ‘I am about to release this lethal HADOKEN out of my ass! To bad you’can’t see it.
Shitty Fireball patch near the right Pocket
Speaking of releasing Toxic nerve gas, this just says “popcorn fart” more than anything. Look how fucking small that is? Why the fuck could this not have covered THE ENTIRE POCKET. Jeans in the early 90s (ironically when Street Fighter II was released) were famous for the giant logo patches on the right ass cheek. I thought everything that was old was new again? Or maybe people just say that to sell you a pair of overpriced jeans. Let me also point out that this is NOT the fireball from Street Fighter II. Otherwise there would feature the hand and wrist detail. Not sure if the $300 price tag can’t cover a decent sized patch or if there is some serious bullishit going on here. It looks like a piece of pre-chewed Hubba Bubba blueberry gum is stuck on your ass! Is it fashionable to look homeless?? Or maybe it is trying to make you look like a moron for spending $300 on a pair of jeans with minimum branded detail. Almost makes me feel like it’s being sold as a luxury car but has rusty wheels from a god damned Saturn…and not the Sega kind!! Hold on to your butts cause it’s getting down to the unseen details.
Hadoken Color Weft
You know, I can’t remember the last time ANYONE looked at the weft of my jeans. As a matter of fact, before seeing these jeans I did’t even know this part had a name! I forget I have that pocket half the time. But apparently it’s “noticeable enough” to ask 300 bucks for a blue colored 1.5″ piece of cloth! Who the fuck cares?! This detail is so minimal that I can’t believe it needed to be featured in a fucking marketing video!!!! “Hey fam! These are cool because of this 1mm thick light-blue fabric that we put above the pocket you keep your rubbers in when you’re out crushing pussy in these hawt jeans” should’ve been the slogan in the video at this point. I cannot for the life of me remember when I gave a fuck if this pocket existed on my jeans let alone what the fucking color is of the weft. Also, how the fuck is anyone who looks at this supposed to relate it to the fact that it represents the fireball?! This is a sales feature! Think about that for a second. It’s like saying “We changed the color of our water bottle caps from white…. to eggshell” and expecting a standing ovation. If you give a fuck about this detail on your jeans & are willing to pay $300 for it, please shove your head in an oven and turn on the gas. You are the weakest link.
Hadoken Color Selvedge Edges
This isn’t even the final detail of this train wreck. You think the Colored weft was fucking bullshit? Check out the Colored selvage edges. WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO LOOK AT THE INSIDE OF THE PANTS!!!! “Hey bro. Those Selvedge edges inside of your pants are soooooooo lit, fam!” is what I think the designer (and I use the term loosely) thinks people will say when they see these. I have never seen some person pull up their pant leg to show this detail. Again, it’s like showing off a detail that isn’t a detail because no one sees it! Even millennials are not interested in this. Seems like this person thinks that unseen detail is the most detailed thing of all. Well keep feeling the fake energy coming off your crystals because they’ll be telling you you’re not selling shit. Even to the niche geek market. And by Crystals, I mean crystal Meth because this designer is obviously smoking meth.
The Grand Finale: Printed Pocket Bags
I am having a bit of trouble here trying to put this into words where I am not using an expletive right off the bat. I mean, I have seen printed pocket bags before and owned a pair where they existed. I feel the same way about those as I do on these because it is a useless, dumb and impractical detail that DOES NOT warrant a $300 price tag! What are you supposed to do? Wear your pants inside out? I wouldn’t be surprised since we have ladies’ pants now that look like they were taken from a victim’s blended-carcass of a Grizzly Bear attack! Or maybe this detail is to be shown off while you do laundry? Or maybe this is for showing off the pocket details while you’re taking a shit in a public bathroom stall. “Hey fam. Is that Ryu on your pocket bags? That shit is lit, fam!” I doubt it. No one wants to have a discussion about their pants while they’re taking a shit! Oh wait. I think I figured out the practical uses for this detail. It’s when you’re about to go for sexy time and you wanna impress the lady. Or maybe you need to hide a hair mole near your dick or the fact you haven’t washed it. “Hey baby…. check this out… It’s Ryu. Who?! You know the dude from Street Fighter who goes Hadooooooooken. You wanna lick the lollipop, fam?” What happens next should either be a Lorena Bobbit incident or the lady leaving in sheer disgust. This is not gonna get you laid. Although at $300 bucks, you ‘d think it would.
This isn’t even the worst version. Let’s take a look at Guile’s. Nothing says “I’m a douche” more than Cammo print. With a poorly detailed Guile. This looks like an iron on that is a knock-off of a knock-off!!! From the lack of inking I can tell that this will rub off after 4 washes. What the fuck were they thinking?! Was this designer high on Opioids? Or is this some asshole’s terrible get-rich-quick scheme? Who gives a shit what is on the pockets!!! Do people seriously pull their pant pockets out to look at the fucking detail? I am 100% sure no one says “Is that a Picasso you just pulled out of your pants?” No, it’s just what’s left of your self respect.
All in all, it is your choice to do with your money as you please. All I am saying is that if you are going to spend 300 bucks on a pair of jeans they better be made of Hemp or some sort of material that will last or something that actually has a cool design. This isn’t a design. This is a cheap detail-starved novelty item that honestly should be priced for under 75 bucks. No one cares what is printed on the pockets. It’s not like you can show anyone outside of a locker room or bedroom. So what’s the point?